Tag Archive: christian


If Christians have prayed to their God to stop mass shootings, and there still are mass shootings, does that mean their God approves of mass shootings?

His plan sure is… what’s that excuse again? Mysterious? His plan is mysterious, yes, that’s it.

I’m pretty sure there have been plenty Christians – American or not – who have asked their deity to stop mass shootings that seem to have become a daily part of American life and culture. I can only conclude that His response – based on 294 mass shootings in 274 days this year – is a resounding “nope”.

Let us consult the Good Book of words that the Almighty allegedly blessed us with:

Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 14:13-14 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it

So… Ask aaaaaanything and you’ll get it… ask for the murder of innocent children to stop… mass murder of children doesn’t stop, it gets worse… Strange. Now, If I were a Christian that would make me think (to be fair, I sort of was and it sort of did).

If American Christians prayed for Mitt Romney to win the 2012 election and he didn’t, why do they hate Barack Obama? Didn’t their God make his will clear by saying “no, fuck Mitt Romney, Barack is the man”.

Ah, Christians. Who can say how their closed little minds word. Or don’t work, as it were.

I’ve got a bit of a conundrum. Well, OK, maybe it isn’t. Whatever.

The issue is this: some time ago I linked to a Christian site (http://www.christian-faith.com) in one of my posts and specifically to a page on the site about Christian ‘testimonies’. The post is titled ‘Finding God‘ and the context for the linking is this paragraph:

So a personal god then, by definition, intervenes in the real world where humans exist and he might do so through miracles, by answering prayers and by communicating with people. I’ve been to Christian ‘revival’ meetings (Rhema specifically) where ‘the holy spirit’ was claimed to have ‘touched’ people, to the point where they fell over and lay on the floor twitching (there is a rather amusing post in that for another time). And there is the plethora of ‘testimonies‘ for various miracles and healing that a god is alleged to have caused.

Now, the issue is that one Mr. Michael Fackerell – apparently the owner of http://www.christian-faith.com – has emailed me twice asking me to remove the links to his site (I’ve only linked to the testimonies part). I find this somewhat confusing for a number of reasons…

Christian ‘testimonies’ are, after all, for the purpose of showing that the Christian deity exists and ‘does things’. They are purportedly eye-witness account by Christians about how the creator of the universe personally intervened in their lives to make stuff happen. As far as I understand, eye-witness accounts of things are used to convince people of the truth of something… and for little else. In this context these ‘testimonies’ provide a feedback loop to Christians to reinforce their delusion and presumably to convince those people who doubt the existence or efficacy of the Christian deity… of the existence and efficacy of the aforementioned deity. I think it will be pretty difficult to make a case for Christian ‘testimonies’ existing for any other purpose than: to be used to convince people – Christian on not – that this deity exists and does stuff.

Why then, would one want to remove a potential audience from these accounts? I would think that – considering this command directly from the lips of the god-man Jesus himself:

28:19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

… that you’d want as many links as possible to the page with ‘testimonies’ about the greatness of the creator of the universe so that you can get as many people from as many places converted as possible. No? Strange.

I mean, I’d be the first to admit that this site and these posts are pretty unkind to Christians and their ridiculous delusions but still, why attempt to remove any opportunity to gather more sheeple? You’d think that gathering more sheeple would sort of be a priority… but then again the world is littered with examples of the specific disobedience of the explicit wishes and commandments of that particular almighty creator of the universe by its alleged believers.

Perhaps it’s my complete lack of religiosity that makes it so hard for me to understand. Perhaps it is my bullshit filter. Who can say.

The second reason of course is that I’m doing the site a page rank favour by linking to it. Contextually. Perhaps Mr. Fackerell just doesn’t understand how the internet works?

Which brings me to the conundrum. Should I acquiesce (to late for that perhaps?) to his request – I will be the first to admit that it’s a very polite request – and take the time to go edit an old post (and now this one) to remove links to the man’s site for reasons I fail to comprehend or do I just ignore the requests and hope he goes away and continue to provide him the fantastic benefit of page rank and free traffic?

It’s for his own good, really.

Morals of the Christian kind…

A pedophile, a murderer and a thief walk out of a church...

A pedophile, a murderer and a thief walk out of a church…

Love. You’re doing it wrong… and if baby Jesus existed, he sure would cry.

Arguing with Christians…

Arguing with Christians is like playing chess with a pigeon

It’s like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board and strut around victorious – Anonymous

That, is pretty close to the truth I think. You can’t argue with somebody who refuses to acknowledge the value of evidence, insists that their non-evidence is valid while at the same time insisting other people’s equivalent non-evidence is not, all the while acting – or forcing themselves to actually be – stupid.

A pigeon. You and your theistic argument reminds me of one.

Faith!

Faith! Just another word for “brand loyalty” to one of the oldest and most corrupt corporations on the planet.

It’s funny really – “brand loyal” and “Christian” – the things that come to mind.

Science in action.

Science: the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.

Science and the scientific method has given us… virtually everything. It is responsible for our lifespan doubling, for the internet, for medicine, for anesthetics and pretty much everything else. Look around. Everything you see is the result of the scientific method being applied to the world you live in and my personal favourite is anesthetics (a quick look at the horror that used to be medicine before the invention of anesthetics is enough to convince me that time travel is, in fact, a really terrible idea).

The scientific method is a profoundly successful process for investigating the world and is the underlying force of all human advances for hundreds if not thousands of years.

A diagram of the scientific method

The scientific method.

The scientific method is:

a body of techniques for investigating phenomena, acquiring new knowledge, or correcting and integrating previous knowledge

The techniques of the scientific method consists of a process with a number of steps to go through to arrive at a scientific theory:

a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world, based on a body of facts that have been repeatedly confirmed through observation and experiment.

These steps include:

  • Formulating a question
  • Hypothesis
  • Prediction
  • Test
  • Analysis

A question that naturally arises for me centers around what religion – Christianity specifically – looks like when you study it with the scientific method. Interesting, I suppose is an answer. Infinitely boring is probably another answer. It depends rather heavily on what you would like to do with the outcome of the investigation. I’ve also argued before that the scientific method can and should be applied to everything, including the claims of religion, ghosts, the supernatural as well as finding God.

Looking at Christianity one might formulate the following question:

Does the Christian God as described in the Bible exist?

I think that is a fair question. It is after all the crux of what a billion people alive today allege to believe. I concede that it’s also a pretty big question and this short post won’t necessarily do it justice to it entirely but what the hell, let’s have a go. For the sake of a feeble attempt at rigor, let’s define some of the properties of the God in question by using the Bible as the source:

  • Omniscience (all-knowing) – John 16:30 the apostle John affirms of Jesus, “Now we can see that you know all things.
  • Omnipresence (all-present) – Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
  • Omnipotence (all-powerful) – All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me,” Jesus said in Matthew 28:18
  • Eternality (no beginning or end) – John 1:1declares of Jesus, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
  • Immutability (unchanging) – Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I propose the following hypothesis:

The Christian god does in fact not exist.

I think it’s a perfectly valid hypothesis. Certainly one could propose the converse but I have a hunch that this one is more likely than the alternative so we will investigate this statement.

What predictions can be made based on the hypothesis that the Christian God does not exist? After considering the implications I feel that the following are reasonable predictions of phenomena that might be observed if the statement “the Christian God does not exist” was true:

  1. Christians who believe they converse with – some call it have personal relationship with – the deity in question would not agree or even be able to generally agree on the wishes of the deity
  2. There would be inconsistencies and contradictions in stories and texts alleged to be dictated or inspired by the deity
  3. Edicts on behalf of the deity would be inconsistent and change with time – they will evolve with society
  4. Morals and morality would be inconsistent and change with time – they would evolve with society

These predictions should now be tested to see if what they describe would happen is inline with reality: are the predictions true or not? So let’s test the predictions:

1. Christians who believe they converse with the deity in question would not agree or even be able to generally agree on the wishes of the deity [if the deity does not exist]

Do we have any empirical evidence to support the prediction that in the absence of an actual deity as the source of information that Christians would have fundamental disagreements as to the wishes of the deity? Yes, I think we do have some empirical evidence that we can put forward.

  1. There are reported to be approximately 38,000 denominations of Christianity but since many of then cannot be verified to be significant we will list only an excerpt of the major denominations that exhibit substantial dogmatic differences:
    1. Catholic
      1. Including more than 20 sub denominations that are country or culture specific
    2. Orthodox Churches
      1. Including Eastern and Oriental orthodox churches with more than 30 sub denominations
    3. Lutheranism
      1. Including more than 60 sub denominations
    4. Baptists
      1. Including more than 80 sub denominations
    5. Latter Day Saints
      1. Including more than 17 sub denominations
    6. Nontrinitarianism
      1. Including among others Jehovah’s Witnesses

    It is impossible to argue against the fact that Catholics, Baptists, Latter Day Saints and Jehovah’s Witnesses have irreconcilable differences when it comes to their religions even though all four proclaim to literally worship the same deity and use the same book – The Bible – as its only (except for LDS who have additive reference called the Book of Mormon) divinely inspired true reference.

  2. A good illustration of Christian disagreement in real life is an event that I posted about some time ago where one Christian denomination put up a poster in-front of their church to portray a message that another Christian denomination found to be extremely blasphemous. Whether something is sacrilegious against a God is entirely up to the deity in question, with which each denomination claim to have a personal relationship. That there is disagreement among the worshippers of that deity cannot be disputed.
  3. Another perfect illustration of Christians having fundamental disagreement is when you compare Westboro Baptist Church and… basically everybody else. Westboro Baptist Church have controversial views and they are outspoken about them and other Christians do not agree, to say the least.

2. There would be inconsistencies and contradictions in stories and texts alleged to be dictated or inspired by the deity [if the deity does not exist]

Contradictions and inconsistencies in the Bible

Contradictions and inconsistencies in the Bible

Empirical evidence for this prediction exists in spades within the book considered by Christians to be the holy and in some cases, literal words, of the creator of the universe – their God. I will list a couple of obvious contradictions and inconsistencies and link to a graphic that illustrates a huge number of them.

  1. From the Bible:

    MATTHEW 27:46,50: “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, eli, lama sabachthani?” that is to say, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” …Jesus, when he cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.”

    LUKE 23:46: “And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, “Father, unto thy hands I commend my spirit:” and having said thus, he gave up the ghost.”

    JOHN 19:30: “When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, “It is finished:” and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.”

    Clearly all three scenarios could not have happened even if one assumes against all available evidence that at least one had to have happened.

  2. From the Bible:

    II SAMUEL 24:13: So God came to David, and told him, and said unto him, shall SEVEN YEARS OF FAMINE come unto thee in thy land? or will thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue. thee?

    I CHRONICLES 21:11: SO God came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee. Either THREE YEARS OF FAMINE or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee;

    It is not possible to interpret SEVEN YEARS OF FAMINE as THREE YEARS OF FAMINE under any circumstances.

  3. Follow this link to an earlier post that articulates many contradictions and inconsistencies in the Bible.

3. Edicts on behalf of the deity would be inconsistent and change with time – they will evolve with society [if the deity does not exist]

We have a lot of empirical evidence where the ‘official representatives’ of the Christian deity have changed their minds with time motivated by scientific and societal advances.

  1. An obvious change in the official attitude in the Christian religion is the reversal of opinion around the theory of Heliocentrism – the astronomical model in which the Earth and planets revolve around a relatively stationary Sun at the center of the Solar System – by the Catholic Church. In the 17th century Galileo Galilei was persecuted by the Catholic Church for espousing the heliocentric view that the sun – not the earth – was the center of the solar system. He was forced to publicly recant his views and was placed under house arrest by the Church for the last years of his life.This paper by J. S. Daly provides a history and evaluation of the affair within the context of the Catholic church: The Theological Status of Heliocentrism which includes:

    We have shown that the Church has implicitly withdrawn her condemnation of heliocentrism, so that Catholics are not directly guilty of heterodoxy or disobedience if they hold that the earth revolves around the sun.

  2. Several popes explicitly granted permission to keep slaves and make slaves of people to the Portuguese government (King of Portugal, King Alfonso V):
    1. In 1452, Nicholas V in Dum Diversas
    2. In 1454, Pope Nicholas explicitly confirmed the rights granted
    3. In 1456, Pope Calixtus III confirmed these grants
    4. In 1481, Pope Sixtus IV renewed these grants
    5. In 1514, Pope Leo renewed these grants

    However, even thought the Bible explicitly approves of slavery and even provides instructions on how to manage slaves:

    1. In 1917, the new Code of Canon Law promulgated by Pope Benedict XV condemned the “selling a human being into slavery or for any other evil purpose”.
    2. In 1992 at the infamous “House of Slaves” on the Island of Gorée in Senegal, John Paul II declared: “It is fitting to confess in all truth and humility this sin of man against man, this sin of man against God.”
    3. In 1993, in his encyclical Veritatis Splendor, John Paul II took, from Vatican II’s pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern world, a long list of social evils which includes slavery

4. Morals and morality would be inconsistent and change with time – they would evolve with society

Changes in the official Catholic view on slavery and the slave trade not withstanding, many if not most of the instructions for conduct in the Bible are no longer observed by Christians.

A couple from the Bible might include:

  • Anyone who dreams or prophesies anything that is against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, is to be put to death.
    • Deuteronomy 13:5:
      13:5 And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.
  • If anyone, even your own family suggests worshipping another God, kill them.
    • Deuteronomy 13:6-10:
      13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
      13:7 Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;
      13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
      13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
      13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die;
  • If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of its inhabitants… even the animals.
    • Deuteronomy 13:12-15:
      13:12 If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,
      13:13 Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;
      13:14 Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;
      13:15 Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.
  • Kill anyone with a different religion.
    • Deuteronomy 17:2-7:
      17:2 If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,
      17:3 And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;
      17:4 And it be told thee, and thou hast heard of it, and enquired diligently, and, behold, it be true, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought in Israel:
      17:5 Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.
      17:6 At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.
      17:7 The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So thou shalt put the evil away from among you.
  • Don’t wear clothes made of more than one fabric.
    • Leviticus 19:19:
      19:19 Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
  • If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die.
    • Leviticus 20:10:
      20:10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
  • Psychics, wizards, and so on are to be stoned to death.
    • Leviticus 20:27:
      20:27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
  • Anyone who curses or blasphemes God should be stoned to death by the community.
    • Leviticus 24:14-16:
      24:14 Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.
      24:15 And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Whosoever curseth his God shall bear his sin.
      24:16 And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

    The distinct lack of Bible motivated killing to be found (myself as an atheist being alive as an excellent example) in the western world is empirical evidence that many of the instructions above are not being obeyed by Christians. Since by Christians’ own measure their God does not change and since many Christians use excerpts from surrounding passages to justify things like discrimination against homosexuals I think a clear case is made that once all or most of the instructions were once obeyed and now only some are obeyed and in the future perhaps none will be obeyed – in line with social reformation.

What is our analysis of the empirical evidence we have found to show that the predictions that were made by the hypothesis were true and in accordance with reality? I think that we have enough evidence to say that the hypothesis that the Christian God, as described in the Bible and commonly accepted by most Christians, does not exist, is likely to be correct.

Christians are not all speaking to the same God since none of them can agree on what this God actually wants, likes or prefers. The Bible was not inspired by or written by a being with the properties that Christians and Christianity assign to their deity since it is full of inconsistencies and contradictions which is to be expected if it were not inspired by or written by the Christian God. Christians who have spoken on behalf of their God and who have not been corrected by that God have made statements in approval of or against things that were later a reversal of earlier positions. Christian positions on issues have changed as additional information has been learned and as society has changed which is in line with the Christian God not existing. Instructions given by the unchanging Christian God to his followers are no longer being followed by Christians as those instructions are contrary to what is acceptable to society – morals have evolved – which again is a predictable and expected phenomenon if the Christian God did not exist.

Note that the conclusion that the Christian God does not exist is not a concrete, incontrovertible proof that the Christian God or any other god does not or can not exist. That the Christian God does not exist is only the most likely explanation of the way things are in light of the information and evidence that is available. New evidence might change the explanation, negate it or it might further bolster it.

That the Christian God does not exist is the most likely explanation in light of the available evidence.

Always! Be totally awesome!

 

Dear theists…

I plundered this picture from The Thinking Atheist and I have to admit I feel very little remorse. I find the picture both terribly amusing and pretty… unambiguous.

Dear theist...

Dear theist… let me unambiguously explain my position.

Another way to put it is: I find your willful ignorance is disgusting and offensive and considering the bullshit and horror that you claim to believe, you are not qualified to have an opinion on my life.

Christianity! In 105 words.

Love is pain... and temporary man death... or something. I dunno.

Christianity…

The belief that a walking dead Jewish deity who was his own father although he always existed, commits suicide by cop, although he didn’t really die, in order to give himself permission not to send you to an eternal place of torture that he created for you, but instead to make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood, and telepathically promise him you accept him as your master, so he can cleanse you of an evil force that is present in mankind because a rib-woman and a mud-man were convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. — Anon.

Man, I so wish I had written that. Absolute genius.

(I might have… procured the text above from here: http://atheistcamel.blogspot.co.nz/ )

Always! Be awesome.

Ethics and justice

Ethics and justice, the Bible will teach you it...

There are many lovely tales of love and justice found in the Holy Bible. “What, pray tell, is the Holy Bible”, I can almost hear you ask. Excellent question! Let’s have some devout Christians tell us (emphasis mine):

Despite what the world would like to say, there is such a thing as absolute truth, coming straight out of the Word of God, and people ultimately act on what they really think is true, whatever they may say. At Antioch, we want to lay it out up front. Our doctrinal statement declares what is really true, straight from God’s Word, and our Philosophy and Mission statements flow out of our desire to act on that truth.

[link]

And:

We believe the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testament to be the verbally inspired Word of God, the final authority for faith and life, inerrant in the original writings, infallible and God-breathed (II Timothy 3:16,17; II Peter 1:20,21; Matthew 5:18; John 16:12,13).

[link]

And:

I. Biblical Authority

Example Verses: II Timothy 3:16-17; I Peter 1:23-25

Baptists hold to the belief that the Bible and its clear, literal teachings are the final authority for faith and practice. We at least attempt to back up everything they believe with “Chapter and Verse”, and hold that anything that is contrary to the clear teaching of the Bible is not true. Such things as church councils, church leaders, tradition, and other books are often hold some authority for other Christian groups.

[link]

And:

For the Catholic, what follows will make clear the harmony of Scripture and tradition: truth cannot contradict truth. Whether God speaks to us through the Bible or through the voice of tradition, the word spoken is always a true and steadfast guide.

[link]

In short, the Bible is God’s Own Truth.

And, just so we don’t forget, God doesn’t change. “What do you mean God doesn’t change”, I hear you cry. Good that you should ask! Let us get some guidance from ‘the final authority for faith and practice’, God’s Own Truth, The Holy Bible (emphasis mine):

Psalm 102:

102:26 They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
102:27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.

Hebrews 1:

1:10 And, Thou, Lord, in the beginning hast laid the foundation of the earth; and the heavens are the works of thine hands:
1:11 They shall perish; but thou remainest; and they all shall wax old as doth a garment;
1:12 And as a vesture shalt thou fold them up, and they shall be changed: but thou art the same, and thy years shall not fail.

Hebrews 13:

13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

So, God never, ever changes and the Bible is the inerrant, literal Word of God. Got that? Right, with that out of the way, I have a story I should like to tell. A parable if you will.

Not too long ago there was a gentleman by the name of Rush “Randy” Limbaugh (all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental) and he was very close to God. As a conservative man, Randy went to church every Sunday (see, I told you it was a coincidence) and prayed to God several times a day and he read the Bible which he firmly knew was the literal Word of God. Randy was as close to God as a good, God fearing Republican could be.

Now, Randy being Randy, he got involved with several women during the course of his life. He was at various stages married to Roxy, Michelle, Marta and Kathryn and he had several sons. Notably, by Marta he had a son called Adam.

Tragically, Randy couldn’t control his… er… love for woman and the one day he saw a very attractive intern at the broadcast corporation where he worked called Betty. Now, Betty was in a relationship with Uri who worked for Randy. Randy was pretty well connected and quite devious. Through some sneaky scheming he got Uri re-assigned to a foreign office on the very day that – incredibly conveniently – incriminating photo’s of Uri were delivered to Betty. Betty broke up with poor Uri and Randy provided a convenient shoulder to cry on. He quickly managed to seduce Betty and have… er… carnal relations with her – which was cheating on his current wife Kathryn. Betty fell pregnant almost immediately – Randy was sure his God didn’t approve of birth control you see.

God didn’t like this one bit – he was incredibly pissed off – so He cursed the child that Randy and Betty had created.

Some time after Randy started cheating on Katheryn with Betty, God spoke to pastor Rick ‘Nathan’ Warren (purely coincidental fiction, I assure you) personally and told him to go and punish Randy. He gave explicit instructions on how Randy’s punishment was to be carried out.

Nathan went forth has God had commanded and hired a great stage to be constructed on the National Mall in Washington DC with all the bells and whistles – big screens so everybody in a large crowd could see the action, fancy lighting, huge sound systems, the works. Nathan then invited every devout Christian in the country to come and witness Randy’s punishment, to be carried out exactly as required by Yahweh – the creator God of the universe.

On the day of the punishment, Nathan’s henchmen brought Randy to the stage and put him in a chair off to the left of the stage where he could properly witness the events of the day. After Randy was seated, Nathan’s people brought out Roxy, Michelle, Marta and Kathryn to the stage followed by Randy’s son, Adam.

Next, Randy’s wife and ex-wives were stripped naked in front of the crowd of millions and Adam proceeded to rape them where everybody could see, so that all in attendance knew the justice of the Lord.

Later, Betty gave birth to Randy’s son but since God had cursed the child, he died a week later. Randy went on to live a long and illustrious life, sleeping with literally hundreds of women.

The end.

I will leave you to figure out the moral of that parable on your own. Now, strangely, some people might be upset by that story and I am not sure why. It is a beautiful depiction of how the justice of the Christian deity works, how much he loves people and how much he loves and respects women in particular. It is a beautiful thing is it not?

What? You don’t believe me? Come on now, you give me too much credit. I couldn’t come up with a gem of a story like that on my own – I simply don’t have the skills. Nay, I did but paraphrase a story directly from the unchanging, inerrant word of the almighty creator of the universe. I shit you, in fact, not.

The beautiful tale is found in 2 Samuel 11 and 2 Samuel 12 with the delightful conclusion in 2 Samuel 16.

Let me quote some of it, I do insist (emphasis mine):

2 Samuel 11:

11:2 And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.
11:3 And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?
11:4 And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

11:15 And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

2 Samuel 12:

12:1 And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.

12:11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
12:12 For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.
12:15 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.

12:18 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died.

2 Samuel 16:

16:21 And Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father’s concubines, which he hath left to keep the house; and all Israel shall hear that thou art abhorred of thy father: then shall the hands of all that are with thee be strong.
16:22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel.

And there you have it. Divine love and justice. It does make me wonder though, what kind of person – who in their right mind actually – would want to worship the being that figures that having several women raped in public by the son of their husband (I believe that’s a stepson…) and an unborn child killed for the adultery of a man is good and just? Who, in their right mind?

I figure its pretty freaking terrible to be a female Christian. Just think what it must be like to live in a world where, should your cheating bastard husband find himself a bit on the side, you get raped in public for his crime and sweet nothing happens to him. Couldn’t happen? Why not?

And Christian men? How would they feel if dear Jesus had to come down out of the clouds and had to instruct them to rape their stepmother (and possibly their own mother) in public because their father cheated on his wife with another woman and arranged for her husband to have an ‘accident’? I have to ask Christian men the following:

Yes or no: would you happily rape your stepmother in public if God told you to?

Won’t happen? Can’t happen? Why not?

If it can’t happen… then one or both the following is true: God changes and the Bible lies or – more simply – there is no God and these tragic horror stories are entirely man-made.

Seriously, there is something very, very wrong with people who believe in this horror, want to worship the monster who thought it up and who are not utterly repulsed by the thought of this travesty.

God is love? Christian morals? Right. Tell me another one.

Always! Be awesome.

Easter. Seriously.

Jesus and the Easter bunny.

Jesus. Because believing in the Easter Bunny is just silly.

So. Easter. I wasn’t going to bother writing about it but here I am. The idiocy is so thick in the air I just can’t help myself.

Easter. What is it?

It’s a mid-spring pagan festival co-opted by Christianity, pretty much like every other Christian holiday and ritual. Yea, Christians, followers of the most unoriginal creator of the universe imaginable, might (or might not) be surprised to know that the whole death and resurrection thing is in fact quite a bit older than the badly recorded travesty that they’re fawning over this weekend – where I am forced to see it. And be reminded of just how much ridiculousness people actually claim to believe. (Edit: check out Easter isn’t a Christian holiday either at Atheism Resource)

So, the plagiarism aside, what’s Christian Easter about? Let me tell you.

Easter is the celebration of the torture, execution, temporary ‘death’ and resurrection of the human incarnation of the creator of the universe. The omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent creator of the universe, God if you will, needed to have himself tortured and temporarily killed by his errant creations so that he could be convinced to create a loop-hole in the rules he created himself so that he could be convinced to forgive his creations for being the way he created them, having known how they would turn out before he created them, so that he wouldn’t be forced by himself to torture them for eternity.

Seriously. It’s THAT ludicrous. I have some questions:

  • God is omnipotent – why didn’t he just forgive people without having himself tortured and temporarily killed?
  • God is omniscient – if he knows everything to be known, he knows he’s going to be resurrected less than 72 hours later. How is that a sacrifice? It’s not even an inconvenience for an almighty super being.
  • God is omnibenevolent – why does he torture people for eternity?
  • God is omnipotent – why not just unmake Satan?
  • God is omniscient – if he knows a person is going to be bad before he creates them and that he will be torturing them for eternity… how is that unlike breeding cats for the sole purpose of burning them alive?

Dear merciful Christ, why are people so incredibly stupid? But thanks for the public holidays, appreciate it.

Always! Be awesome.

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