Jesusianisimists believe that they can communicate with their deity through a ritual called “praying”. This ritual is usually used to petition the deity to intercede in human affairs to the advantage of the “praying” Jesusianisimist or a cause deemed important by the Jesusianisimist.
This ritual can take several forms and, strangely for an exceedingly important ritual fundamental to the Jesusianisimists “faith”, doesn’t have a strictly prescribed method associated with it. Of course there are the “formal” “prayers” performed on important occasions but the vast majority of “prayer” rituals are performed in a very unstructured manner.
One common form employed by many (but not all) Jesusianisimists is a “prayer” ritual called “saying grace”. This usually involves several Jesusianisimists, shortly prior to consuming a meal together, holding hands, closing their eyes and listening to an appointed Jesusianisimist say out loud for everybody to hear, how grateful they all are for the food that was provided by the deity and sometimes to petition the deity for continued good fortune. (This is strange behaviour, since the Jesusianisimists spent some considerable time working to earn money to purchase the food and then more time to prepare it. It is unclear which part the deity played.)
Another common form of the ritual involves the Jesusianisimist, shortly prior to going to bed, kneeling before his/her bed and saying a few words of thanks to the deity and perhaps to petition the deity to continue its benevolence towards the Jesusianisimist and the people the Jesusianisimist holds dear. (Again, it is unclear why the all-knowing deity must be reminded about things it already knows.)
Jesusianisimists sometimes employ this “prayer” ritual just prior to a sporting match to petition their deity to aid them in beating the other team (A very strange thing to do since often both teams are Jesusianisimists and are asking for the same thing) and shortly after sporting matches to thank their deity… for something, even if they lose. (It is unclear what the purpose of gratitude is when one got exactly the opposite of what one asked for.)
Jesusianisimist often ask for things, help for strangers, relatives, themselves, they ask for rain, they ask for sunshine, they ask for good crops, for money, cars, cell phones, they ask for love, they ask to be saved from punishment, they ask to be healed from sickness, they ask for others to be healed from sickness, they ask every conceivable thing.
Jesusianisimists respect other Jesusianisimists who pray and are very grateful when other Jesusianisimists pray for them or on behalf of their causes.
Jesusianisimists also fervently believe that their deity answers these ritualistic petitions.
My observations are as follows:
- Jesusianisimists often ask for things in contradiction to each other
- Prayers obviously don’t always get answered (very often it is impossible to answer all prayers since they often contradict each other)
- Prayers never get answered consistently
- Jesusianisimists are quick to remember times when prayers seem to get answered but quick to forget the overwhelming number of times they don’t get answered
Some more observations go like this:
- Muslims and Hindus also pray to their gods
- Muslim and Hindu prayers get answered (and not answered) at exactly the same rate as Jesusianisimists prayers
- Buddhists, Scientologists, atheists, agnostics, Satanists, Wiccans, Sun Worshippers, Witch Doctors, Nazis and Pol Pot often wish for things and their wishes come true at exactly the same rate as Jesusianisimists prayers.
- There are some things that Jesusianisimists ask for that never, ever happen, such as the healing of an amputee
- Prayers never get answered in such a way as to conclusively prove that there was supernatural intervention
- No adequately run scientific study of prayer has ever shown it to be any more efficacious than the placebo effect. To the contrary, some studies have shown that people who know they are being prayed for fare worse than those who do not
Now, one can draw one of three conclusions:
- There are no deities that answer prayers and all answered prayers are happy coincidence
- Everybody has a deity to do their bidding (even atheists and Buddhists… somehow) that answers (or doesn’t answer) their prayers and wishes
- The deity of the Jesusianisimists also answers the prayers and wishes of, well, everybody, including, oddly, Satanists and atheists
Three interesting possibilities. Only one is likely though and no extra points for guessing which one.
In closing, I would like you to take this message away from this post:
Pray for world peace. It’s the least you can do. Literally
Have some trouble understanding that? Let me elaborate. Praying does nothing. Not a damn thing. Giving money to a charity, that does something. Volunteering at a charity, that does something. Not wasting water and electricity, that does something. Recycling, that does something. Praying, does absolutely nothing. Obviously and demonstrably so. It is nothing more than wishful thinking.
Prayer exists so that people can feel like they’ve done something without actually having to do anything.