I have come across a bit of a collection of… strange artifacts of madness and insanity. You just can’t believe the shit that’s out there. If I have not managed to make fun here of your particular beliefs, do not feel left out, I will probably get around to you next week. Unless you don’t actually believe anything strange…

For the first prize this week, a Mormon video (wonder if I should credit the person through whom I found it. If you think I should, drop me a mail or a tweet or something and I’d be happy to add you):

Alright, ok, I know it’s not ‘official’ Mormon doctrine and you shouldn’t take it too seriously, and that getting your information from a cartoon is perhaps not the best idea but you have to admit, it’s wack, funny as shit and somebody cared enough about what’s in it to make it in the first place.

Now, behold, for your viewing pleasure, this winner of a fanatic (ok, I know, you’ve already seen the picture, if you haven’t, er, I hate to say it, but get your damn eyes tested). In my youth, as a… very weighty rock music enthusiast I have seen some interesting things  scratched onto arms. Never before have I seen a man do it with so much… gusto:

He *loves* jesus

Jesus, a real pain in the arm

Ah, The Family. What can one say about the family? I love those guys. They go out of their way to prove just how seriously screwed up people can be. Their antics do amuse me though. What you need to consider is that they get their instructions from the same book as the Methodists, Catholics, Baptists and Jehovah’s Witnesses. Misunderstand the manual much? Ok, you should go read the link below, you really should, it is… enlightening to say the least. I have taken the liberty of quoting one or two lines for you who are disinclined to follow a link and read:

The archive here: http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Love_words_to_Jesus

The following list of sexually explicit expressions was published by Karen Zerby as examples her followers could use when making love to Jesus, during masturbation or intercourse.

Yes, seriously. I shit, you, not.

Excerpts:

Come to Me, Jesus! Be here with me and love me. Let’s hold each other and say words of love to each other.

Come to my bed, come to my arms, come to my kisses, to my lips!

Jesus, You’re the Lover of all lovers.

You’re beautiful, Jesus, and so sexy–sexier than I ever dreamed–so handsome, so naked and so hard!

Jesus, I’ll do anything for You. I’ll do anything to give You pleasure. Let me satisfy You. Teach me what You like best.

I crave You, Jesus. I’m hot for You! My legs are spread to receive Your penis! Enter into me! Give me Your seeds.

Yea, look, I could carry on quoting but lets face it, we’re both getting a little uncomfortable with that list of winners. I do wonder if there is an age restriction attached to those gems…

Mathematics does not seem to be high up on the list of priorities of this winner. Nor, it seems, is actually understanding how evolution works but I’ll let him go on that, people like Ray Comfort have built an entire industry around ‘Not Understanding How A Very Simple Thing Like Evolution Works’, you can’t expect other people to start paying attention if their leaders are unable to grasp simple concepts:

B'cos I can't read and teh skool mafs was hard

Full story here: http://www.helpfeedthetroll.com/yahoo-answers/i-triple-checked-the-arithmetics-these-numbers-are-irrefutable/

Should you have some trouble with the whole evolution thing, check out Tim’s post here: http://timcooley.wordpress.com/2009/10/22/some-common-misconceptions-about-evolution/

This one isn’t strictly speaking ‘wack’ but just to illustrate how it is possible to arrive at the above conclusion; this is pretty much what it’s like for a scientist to talk to a creationist. If you agree with the creationist, however, I insist that you tell me at great length why (except holyfire23 because I’ve had enough of speaking to that lost cause):

I saw it first on PZ Myers’s blog here: http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/01/every_creationist_argument_ive.php

This last one, while I do sympathise with the children (it’s not their fault) and I don’t like seeing bad things happen to kids who could not control the situation, I have a hard time feeling much for the adults. The irony gets me however…

Full story here: http://en.rian.ru/russia/20100125/157674817.html

Excerpt:

Some 50 people were poisoned in the east Siberian city of Irkutsk which the local consumer watchdog said on Monday could have been caused by “holy water” taken from wells during religious ceremonies of Epiphany.

The regional Investigation Committee, which is looking into the mass poisoning, said all the victims complained of “symptoms of acute intestinal infection” and high temperature, and 40 of them, including 22 children, have been hospitalized.

The consumer watchdog Rospotrebnadzor said water the victims took from two wells near a church on January 19, when the Orthodox Church celebrated the baptism of Christ, or Epiphany, could be the source of infection. Water is believed to become holy and have healing properties during Epiphany.

“All the victims are known to have taken water from two wells near the Archangel Michael Church and from an ice hole made in a nearby lake,” the regulator said.

No other details and comments are currently available.

Many people believe any water – even from the taps from the kitchen sink – poured or bottled by Christians on Epiphany becomes holy. The water sanctified in churches is often stored by believers for long periods.

No matter how hard you wish guy, the natural laws of the universe just do no get suspended especially for you, regardless of how important you believe you are.

The height of a full-grown, full-size llama is between 1.7 meters (5.5 ft) and 1.8 meters (6 ft) tall at the top of the head. They can weigh between approximately 130 kilograms (280 lb) and 200 kilograms (450 lb). At birth, a baby llama (called a cria) can weigh between 9.1 kilograms (20 lb) and 14 kilograms (30 lb).