Got touching Adam...

God and Adam (sitting in a tree...)

What do you blog about when you don’t feel like blogging and don’t have anything to say? The Bible! Nothing like a bit of Bible study to get you going right? Right.

I thought that today, I’d go back to the beginning. You know, this bit:

1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

I think even some Christians might recognize that line. It’s the first line of the Bible (the King James version anyway…). And I know what you’re thinking: “he’s going to tear into the horse shit that is the creation story and point out how it’s not scientific at all, has no evidence and is generally laughably impossible”.

Well, no.

Instead, we’re going to have a look at the characters of the creation story. ‘Story’ since it is a story, on par with the Hindu creation myths and the ancient Greek ones and the ancient Roman ones and the Norse ones and the Egyptian ones… you get the point. There is not one iota of evidence that makes the Christian story more credible than any of the other aforementioned stories. Christians can’t even agree among themselves on the truth of their own creation story and god knows they allegedly speak to the same deity and could just ask him. They even have a ‘personal relationship’ with it. Strange no?

Anyway, there’s four characters we’ll look at:

  • God – Perfect, omniscient, almighty creator of the universe.
  • Adam – The first human being created by God
  • Eve – The second  (or third, depending on how much attention you pay when you read the Bible) human being created by God
  • The Serpent – A garden variety snake created by God. And no, I don’t see any evidence in the Bible that says the snake was anything other than a snake.

Everybody knows the story, right? Ok, fine, several billion people know the story, right? Right.

God slaps the universe together in a couple of days, gets lonely (or something) and makes a dude called Adam who seems lonely so God makes him a wife called Eve. He puts them in an awesome garden and from the rest of the story we can infer that their lives are pretty much awesome: low stress, high relaxation, essentially on an ever lasting holiday at an out of season nudist resort.

In the mean time, God had also made two magic trees. We’re not even going to go there. Ok, fine, we will, but not now.

God:
2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Pretty straight forward: eat the fruit of the tree and you will die until you are DEAD on that very same day. You picking up what I’m putting down people?

The Serpent:
3:1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

Like I said, God made the snake, plain old garden variety. Only, back then, snakes could talk. Somehow. Not too sure where the vocal chords went since then. Maybe snakes were telepaths or something? Right? Right.

Eve:
3:2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3:3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

So there’s Eve telling The Serpent pretty much exactly what God said.

The Serpent:
3:4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
3:5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

What is this? The Serpent is contradicting the almighty creator of the universe! Sure folly! No! Don’t do it Eve! You’re gonna die! You! Gonna! Die!

3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

OMG they ate the poisonous, man killing fruit! They’re gonna die! Poor bastards. Not even 5 pages into the history of the world and the original people are dead. Not a great start.

3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Say what now? No horrifying death? Must still be coming.

God:
3:11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Yea man, here it comes, horrible horrible DEATH!

Adam:
3:12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Good on Adam, saying it like it is. Staring certain death in the face and still manning up.

Eve:
3:13 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

Good on Eve. She’s about to end her short existence by dying horribly and she’s still saying it like it is. Well done. I mean, what’s the point in lying to an omniscient being anyway?

3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

3:22 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

3:23 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
3:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Ah, Houston, we have a problem.

Read this and remember it:

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent.

1 Samuel 15:29
The Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent.

2 Samuel 7:28
Thou art that God, and thy words be true.

Titus 1:2
In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began.

Hebrews 6:18
It was impossible for God to lie.

Out of the four characters in the story:

The Serpent – spoke the truth about the tree of knowledge
Adam – spoke the truth about what he had done
Eve – spoke the truth about what she had done
God – lied his pants off about what would happen when they ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge

But God can’t lie. But he did lie. But he can’t lie. But he did lie.

Hey, don’t look at me, I don’t believe that crap. A billion or two Christians allegedly do believe that crap. Or they just ignore the lies. And the hundreds of other contradictions in the Bible.

Oh, wait, let me guess, Adam and Eve died a spiritual death, not a physical one. Oh yea? Show me the passage that says that. Quote me the verse. Show, me, it. No? Quite.

So… let’s ‘go there’. About the trees… there were two of them. The tree of knowledge of good and evil and the tree of life. Why did God create these two trees and place them exactly where the creation story and the rest of the Bible would need them, to explain why we’re all wretched, disgusting immoral bastards in great need of some saving by the human sacrifice of a god-man? Oh, convenient! So all-knowing God creates these trees knowing full well The Serpent will convince Eve to eat it and she would convince Adam to eat it. Bit of a bastard thing to do, setting them up like that and acting all astonished when this played out exactly like he knew it would… And he did know:

Omniscience (all-knowing) – John 16:30 the apostle John affirms of Jesus, “Now we can see that you know all things.
Omnipresence (all-present) – Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Not only did he know what was going on, he acted like he didn’t:

3:9 And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Acting like you don’t know something when you do know something… isn’t that also lying?

Anyway, the second tree is pretty interesting when you think about it. The tree of life, eat of it and you live for ever:

3:22 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

That implies that Adam and Eve were not going to live forever to begin with. Since, why create a tree that gives an ability they already have and tell them to not eat it? Why stop Adam and Eve from gaining something they already have?

So… Adam and Eve were going to die at some point anyway, they just didn’t know. (Also… when God says ‘one of us’… who’s the other’s in the us? Just a thought.)

Christians: your god lies. Actually, no, if you believe this crap the problem is with you. How, on god’s green earth can you believe this rubbish? And, might I take this opportunity to once again point out that some of you ‘Christians’ don’t actually believe this rubbish and yet those of you who do believe this tripe speak directly to the same deity than those who don’t believe this tripe. Allegedly.

I have a simpler explanation: It’s a freaking story and your god is a figment of your imagination. A pretty bad story if you ask me, and, there, is, no, god, at, all.

RAmen.