The Almighty Creator Of The Universe, God:
So like, in the beginning there was a whole bunch of nothing. Then I created some shit out of the nothing in an order that won’t make sense to you, dumb as shit human that you are. I slap the universe together in 6 days, right, but I spend most of that time making it look older because, fuck you.
Then, I think of THE BEST PLAN! I’ll make a dude that looks just like me, out of dirt, because, I’m fucking God bro, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I put the lonely bastard in a nice garden and he gets so fucking bored he literally names every animal. When I say ‘every’ I mean the ones that… fuck you, all of them. Anyway, I realised that just one bro naked in a garden won’t do but knowing how this shit is gonna turn out, I decide I’ll keep it small; I thought I’d start with one more person, a hottie, you know, they’re difficult.
So I make the bro a shorty, but get this, out of his fucking RIB! How sweet is that? Dude from dirt, chick from bone; same species from DIFFERENT MATERIALS! I fucking rock. So I put them in a nice garden, told the fuckers I would seriously cap their asses if they ate from that one tree that I put there (I sort of had to, without the fucking tree they couldn’t disobey me you see) but they did it anyway.
Lucky for them I was lying, I didn’t kill them, just threw them out of the garden and made their lives and the lives of every one of their descendants fucking miserable! Ha! Worse than dying. Teach those fuckers to disobey me!
Anyway, so they go and breed like rabbits right. But as it turns out, they’re real assholes in a crowd. They don’t do what I tell them! That seriously pisses me off. Again.
So I think about it a bit and then it hits me. Another THE BEST PLAN! I think, screw it, lets drown the motherfuckers. Drown all of them. But then I think, creating shit from nothing is like, a real drag so maybe I’ll just save a couple of them. So I find this one dude, LOL, a bit of a drunk bastard, you know, he’ll believe anything. I say to the poor bastard he needs to build a huge freaking boat right, big enough to put a couple of every fucking animal on the planet in! LOL!
Anyway, so he actually builds this boat (with more than a little help by the way) and I make it rain. Not just any old rain bro, fucking MONSOON, for days and days. I drown fucking EVERYTHING! Little kids, big kids, woman, men, kittens, puppies, lions, EVERY, THING! Like a BOSS. Except this one floating zoo. Long story short, eventually they pile out of the boat, breed like rabbits and are everywhere again. Also, dude curses other dude, his brother I think and they become slaves or some shit.
So then, you won’t fucking believe it, they build a huge fucking tower. I mean, I know they can’t get to me way up here in the ‘firmament’ but the bastards THINK they can. Ok, maybe they don’t think they can but the fuckers are ARROGANT. Fucking high buildings, that shit just pisses me off so I mess their shit right up. Confuse their languages, spread them all over the planet. My plans to fix shit are always THE BEST PLAN.
Now, I’m not great with lots of people so I pick just one tribe to worship me and the rest of the fuckers I created be damned. They’re too high maintenance so I decide to just stick with my favourite tribe, you know?
But then, these fucking Egyptians enslave them while I wasn’t looking! So I get my main man Moses to throw some shit down in front of that Pharaoh, right. Fucking frogs and locusts and blood and good old mass death! Yea man! Nothing like having thousands of kids and people die in a night to convince a bad ass you’re more bad ass yo! So the Egyptians let them go but then change their minds and come after them. Mo and I get real mad, right, and we organise to have my peeps walk through the Red Sea; I was busy, didn’t see it coming. Hey, fuck you, I have other shit to do, universe to run and all that. When those Egyptian assholes came we fucking DROWNED those bastards. Yea! Take THAT!
So, then, this tribe of mine needs a place to live, right. I make them walk around the desert while I check some places out. At one point, I decide to give my main man Mo some rules. You know, to keep the peeps in line, make sure those ADD motherfuckers know what’s right and wrong, right. But what do you fucking know, Mo isn’t gone for five minutes and those brain-damaged motherfuckers are worshipping another, fucking, god. What the fuck is this shit? Anyway, I give Mo the rules and I make these fuckers kill each other because, fuck them, right.
Then I make them genocide a couple of other tribes while they’re walking around. Ha, fucking hard-core man! I make them kill all the kiddies and the men except the chicks who haven’t shagged. I give those to my homies to do what they want with. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Then, this other time these fuckers from Ammon decide they’re going to come fuck my peeps up. Unfortunately for THEM, there was this one hard-core dude who could fight like a Bengal Tiger right, but he was feeling a bit insecure on that day so he promised he’d kill the fuck out of the first thing he sees when he gets home if I make him slay to death the Ammonite assholes. Now that was an offer I just couldn’t refuse, I fucking loved it! He thought he knew me so well. So I let him win and surprised him with his daughter when he arrives home! She came running happy to see him, he was… less enthusiastic! Turns out he didn’t know me so well LOL! Fuck, you should have seen his face, it was classic! The whole child sacrifice scene was awesome, you know I love that shit.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Then there was this other time where I told this fool to do my bidding and judge the fuck out of a town but the stupid shit tried to flee on a boat. So I sent a huge fucking storm and the sailors chuck the little coward overboard to calm me the fuck down. Which works, you see, I fucking love this human sacrifice thing, works every time! So I send this huge fucking fish, right, that swallows the cowardly fool and he lives in there for three fucking days. I shit you not! Fuck you, I’m god, it can happen. Anyway, we have a bit of an argument over his mission, he wants to die, I’m all fuck you bro, you ain’t dying. He’s all fuck you God, don’t kill a hundred thousand people and I was all, you know, cool I can be down with that so I didn’t murder the fuckers and he convinced them to worship me. All’s well that ends well I suppose.
Anyway, so in the end, I realise these human fuckers I made are real serious assholes and I’m in a bit of a bind. I made some fucking rules and being the goddamn Almighty, I can’t just unmake them. I should have seen this shit coming, right? When I make a rule bro, it stays made! So I come up with another THE BEST PLAN!
I’ll just sacrifice myself, to MYSELF to create a loophole to rules I created myself! Only a fucking god could come up with genius like that, heh! I am so fucking awesome. This works out pretty well, you know, I send myself down there, walk around, tell some stories, do some awesome unbelievable shit and then get some fuckers to slay my ass dead!
Then I wake up again, walk around, give Saul a fucking seizure (haha, that shit was great!) and tell him to make the whole fucking world believe in me and all he has is some dubious book written by not one single eyewitness! AND, on top of that, I made it so every other fucking historian of that time WILL FORGET TO WRITE ANY OF THIS SHIT THAT HAPPENED DOWN! How awesome is that? I couldn’t even convince the whole world or my own goddamn tribe to worship me all the time and I’m THE GOD OF FREAKING EVERYTHING! Haha, so I make THAT poor bastard give it a shot and the only thing he has to back him up is this story! LOL! How awesome is that!
I told the peeps I’d be back before they croak but I’ve been busy, right, and it’s been like, two thousand years or something and the fuckers are still waiting. But like, I’m God, so fuck them, right?
Next time, imma gonna try make them less stupid though, shit got a little out of hand sometimes. That Spanish thing and those English bastards crusading in the desert and now fucking America, Benny Hinn, William Lane Craig and Westboro Baptist fucking church. Fuck me. Who could have seen this shit coming anyway?
Nobody. Nobody could have seen this shit coming.
Shall we pre-empt some objections before they can be raised? Sure, why not.
God doesn’t speak like that you evil heretic, infidel, profane blasphemer!
Yea? And how do YOU know? Does God speak to you? Oh, he does! Great, what were his exact words when he spoke to you? What was his accent? He spoke English? Right…
God doesn’t swear!
Yea? And how do YOU know? Prove he doesn’t. Actually, no, lets start with the basics, prove he even exists and has the ABILITY to speak. Prove HE is a HE. And what is swearing anyway? What you consider swearing has always been swearing? Hmm?
That’s not what happened!
Actually, I agree, it isn’t what happened in reality but it IS what happened in that travesty of a book Christians hold so dear. And if you disagree with my take on the holy bible story, point out the bit that I got wrong.
But… but… but!